


If he’d only look at me

by OnlyOneWoman



Category: Black Sails
Genre: Ben Gunn is just frustrated, Billy Bones knows nothing, Falling In Love, Fluff and Smut, Gunnbones, John Silver knows too much, M/M, Romance, Sexual Content, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-17
Updated: 2016-07-17
Packaged: 2018-07-24 13:36:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,391
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7510398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyOneWoman/pseuds/OnlyOneWoman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Falling completely for the first mate at the Spanish Man O'War when you're a fresh recruit isn't easy...</p><p>Fluff and smut here. No angst :) And comments are, of course, dearly appreciated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If he’d only look at me

_Stop staring, for fucks sake._ I lower my gaze, trying to appear as neutral as possible as he passes me.  
  
”Morning, Ben.”  
”Morning.”  
  
If he could just look at me! Of course, he sees me. Billy Bones ain't a man who can’t look you in the eyes, but I don’t want him to see me as he sees the rest of this crew. Oh, get a grip, Ben! You’re just happy you’re saved, that’s all. And for the kindness he showed you in the cage, a kindness he still shows you. After all, being locked up and see your crew get slaughtered, one by one, make any kind of kindness feel just outstanding in the beginning. Right?  
  
He’s an early riser. I know it because his sleeping place is closest to mine. When I wake up, his hammock is always folded and I keep wondering why I always wake up later. Is he really that quiet? He’s a big and heavy man and I used to wake up from the steps of far lighter and smaller mates in my last crew. It’s not natural for a man of his size to walk so light.  
  
In the beginning I felt embarrassed for my sleeping habits. Being the latest to rise. That was until I heard _him_ asking Dr. Howell not to wake me up. _The man’s not sleeping well yet, doc_. _Don’t see any point in waking him up when he finally get some rest. He’ll get used to it, eventually._ And as simple as that, even the few ones who’d looked a little displeased seeing me rise late, didn’t seem to be bothered anymore. Pete and Joji even started to walk lighter when passing my hammock. Since I couldn’t actually thank Billy Bones without letting him know I’d heard the conversation, I tried to thank him simply by trying to help out anywhere I could. I know he appreciates that.  
  
”Did you sleep well?”  
”Eventually, yeah. It’s very nice of you to let me sleep a little longer.”  
”Don’t mention it. They let me sleep more in the beginning too, you know.”  
  
An almost invisible smile and then, finally, a look. Don’t know how to read it, but I can tell it’s a kind one. And just like that, it’s gone and he’s his normal, correct self again. I shouldn’t be this happy for a look that probably doesn’t mean anything. But I am, and I hate myself for the sheepish smile I know is halfway over my lips.  
  
***  
  
If Billy Bones doesn’t look, John Silver certainly does. That man is the reason I’m still alive, but I can’t help feeling uncomfortable in his presence. I can tell he sees how I look at the first mate, and I don’t like that at all. Every time I see him talking to Billy Bones, I’m on the edge. What if he tells him? Not that he actually knows anything, but I doubt a man like that would misread my looks.  


”You’re alright, Ben?”  
”Uh-huh.”  
  
John Silver gives me look that almost seems like pity. I frown. Don’t need his pity.  
  
”He’s a good man, but when it comes to this, he’s really stupid.”  
”Don’t know what you’re talking about.”  
”No? You look like a lovesick puppy in his presence, Ben.”  
  
I try to find a sharp comeback, but all I can do is snort. John leans a little closer.  
  
”He’s looking to, you know. When he thinks no one sees it.”  
  
He taps me on the shoulder and leaves me with the confusion. _Looks_. That could mean anything. Doesn’t mean Billy’s are a kind I’d actually like to have on me. And besides, John may be lying. Or just misreading. He’s only human, after all, and despite how well he seems to read every person in his way, he could still be wrong. I’ve seen him confused several times when he’s been talking to Flint and he’s not a friend of Billy’s. He knows the man far better than I do, of course, but I don’t know how reliable his impression is this time.  
  
***  
  
This war I’m suddenly a part of, I don’t know what to make of it. To be honest, I don’t care much for Flints plan or Nassau, I’m only grateful for being rescued. And despite the fact that I understand why the maroons treated my crew the way they did – I will never take part in kidnapping or selling another human being again – I can’t help but feeling very uncomfortable around the queens daughter, Madi. Her looks tells me she may have no personal hate against me, but she wouldn’t hesitate to kill me if the crew would let her. Her eyes frightens me and the only time I feel less exposed in her sight, is when _he_ is close.  
  
Maybe I’m deceiving myself, but it seems as if Billy Bones seeks my company. At least more than the others. And he actually asks for my opinion on things. Not the kind of stupid nonsense talk like the rest of the crew who mostly ask me about my experiences with women – or to be more exact, my experiences with tits and cunt – or if I ever fucked anyone in the Maroon camp. I watched twelve men I lived and fought with die on that island, trapped in a cage waiting for my turn. They really think that’s some sort of funny story, where women who rightly hated and despised us, slept with us? By the looks from Billy, at least it’s clear that he finds that sort of questions just as stupid as I do.  
  
_Stop staring, for fucks sake._ Everything he does, he makes it look so easy. He’s one of the most well-built men I’ve ever met, yet he still doesn’t look clumsy. Seeing him working, whatever the duty, is a model picture of efficiency. When he’s pissed off or just annoyed, you can see his already serious face go tense, his eyes widen and the mouth go thin. I’v never yet seen him smile other then his cynical little curve and for some reason I like that. All of the others, even the dull James Flint, smile sometimes, but not Billy Bones. I like it. Makes me feel less out of place when all the others are joking and laughing. Right now he’s fixing a couple of boots in need of stitches. He has his shirt in a cloth around his head and his body is fucking glistening in the midday sun. I can’t be the only one here looking. Maybe now, but I’m hardly the only molly in Nassau and there must have been more than one crew man who’s fallen for Billy Bones over the years. Everyone in this crew has been here a long time and I guess I’ll get used to this vision eventually.  
  
***  
  
”So there was a woman back at Port Royal…”  
  
John Silver, the storyteller. I enjoy his stories, actually. Basically they’re mostly the same old stories I’ve heard before in slightly different shapes, but he has an entirely own way of telling them. And with the captain at shore (doing something I don’t care about) the quartermaster is in command. Most of the crew who’s not at shore as well – the ones with seniority have already had their turn – look spellbound and Billy Bones actually smiles a little. I don’t like the way he’s looking at the quartermaster, despite the fact that I’m sure they don’t have an intimate relationship, or wish for it. No, it’s not that. I only wish for him to look at me. He’s standing quite close to me thou, and he lingers down.  
  
”Want some rum?”  
”Thank you, yes.”  
  
His voice is low and he doesn’t ask anyone else. He hands me a bottle and I take a sip, hand it back and I’m a mess inside. It travels between us during the story and I can’t help but thinking that our lips are touching the same surface, a thought that makes me blush and I rise.  
  
”Sorry, I have to…”  
  
Can’t finish the sentence because I actually don’t know how. I just sneak away, just in time for a crucial point in the story, making my disappearance go unnoticed by anyone but Billy.  
  
Dammit! Have longed for this all day and when he finally is close enough to simply _have_ to look at me, I fucking escape. And he fucking see me run away too. Pathetic. No one is below now, thank God, and I try to get myself together when I hear the familiar voice:  
  
”You’re alright?”  
  
No. No I’m not. Not when you’re standing so near me and I can’t read your intentions. But I nod.  
  
”I’m fine. I just feel sick.”  
  
Congratulations, Ben. You’ve know officially become one of the ship loonies. You were already a good candidate, but now I believe you’ve secured your place. And Billy, of course, is a little amused by my answer.

”Must’ve been a new sort of rum in that bottle. Never heard of a drink causing those two effects in the same time.”  
”Really, I’m fine. You should go back and listen to the story.”  
”Have heard it before. Want to know how it ends?”  
”Sure.”  
”It ends as they always do, with John fucking some girl and then running off, chased by a mad lover or husband. To me, it’s just a story about every fucking problem dealing with women, but since I don’t have that kind of problem, I guess I can’t appreciate those stories like most men here.”  
”You’ve never had bad luck with women?”  
”I don’t fuck them, so according to John they have more bad luck with me.”  
”They sure have.”  
  
Oh, fuck. _Oh, holy fucking shit, what was that?!_ I just stop breathing for a few seconds, imagining Billy’s perplexed face without daring to look at it. Can’t come up with anything to say and I make an attempt to leave, when he grabs my arm.  
  
”Hey, wait!”  
  
He sounds confused and I’m actually tired of this now. Of not knowing. Of _him_ not knowing. But I don’t try to make him loosen his grip. If he doesn’t look at me, at least he’s touching me.  
  
”Ben? What’s the problem?”  
  
That soft voice I’ve only heard him use when someone’s taken with fever hallucinations. Or with me when no one can hear us.  
  
”Can’t you just _look_ at me, Billy?”  
  
***  
  
Wait… _what?_  Ship loony? More like the combined ship moron and molly boy. For the first time I don’t want him to look at me at all, but I can feel his big, blue eyes all round and confused on me. And I have absolutely nowhere to run from this pathetic situation…  
  
The next second I feel his lips against mine. Soft and swift, but it’s a kiss nonetheless. I finally dare to look up, meeting the surprised, questioning eyes, seeing the mouth with lips half parted.  
  
”Is… is _this_ what you wanted?”  
  
And it’s too late for anything but the truth, since I’ve already made a fool out of myself, so I just nod. And laugh.  
  
”Yes. I’m sorry, but yes, it is.”  
”I’m sorry too. Didn’t know you’d take it that way…”  
  
He’s not interested. He’s just kissing me to find out what I wanted. If this wasn’t pathetic before, it’s the fucking masterpiece of awkwardness now and I pull his hands off.  
  
”What? I can’t hold you?”  
  
He actually sounds exasperated and now it’s my turn to look surprised. I have no fucking idea what he’s up to and this whole situation is going from awkward to absurd. He sighs.  
  
”Don’t tell me you’re one of those who only fuck but don’t kiss… I fucking _hate_ that.”  
”You actually want to kiss me…?”  
  
Somehow I still know how to talk. Fascinating. And Billy? He just leans his head back and laugh.  
  
”What the actual _fuck_ , Ben! Can I kiss you or not?”  
”Yes, you can fucking kiss me.”  
  
So he does. Not one of those hasty, halfhearted kisses. He’s slow, his tongue soft and hot. He’s fucking exploring my mouth, one hand entangled in my hair and the other on my waist. Intimate and needy as if we were actual lovers. Fingers squeezing the hip bone and just like that, he’s parting my legs, brushing his crotch against my cock and _holy shit he’s fucking huge_ …  His cock, his tongue, his scent…  and it’s as if he doesn’t care if someone hear or sees us. Sure, the rest of the men are on deck, but someone could come down any second and… _oh fuck, his hands!_ They are callous and careful, warm and find all the right places. The small wall by the galley gives my back support and Billy free sight to the door in case someone… _what the fuck is that thing he’s doing to my neck, my collarbone… I’m done caring about being seen…_  
  
He lets go of me for a moment, to remove obstacles in the shape of fabrics. Belts and shirts, fucking knifes hanging from our waistlines. I’m still leaning my back against the wall, my hands on his hips now as I take a chance to let my eyes linger on his body. It’s just exquisite. All muscles and his chest and belly are nearly hairless. Smooth, warm skin, veins very visible… _good God, how’s it even possible for a man to look like this?_ I’ve wished to fuck him, or have him fuck me for a long time now, but even if I suspected he was a molly too and despite my previous, brave demanding for him to look at me, I never really thought he’d… _Oh, that’s a new one…_ _My throat, his lips leaving wet trails all the way up to my ear, nibbling and… yes, he’s actually moaning, pushing his hips harder at me…_  
  
We separate to catch breath, his eyes are not confused anymore, but… a bit sad? He seems just as eager as me, but maybe he’s having second thoughts.  
  
”Are you alright, Billy?”  
”Of course I am. Why?”  
”You look kind of… well, sad.”  
  
He chuckles a little and draws his fingers through my hair.  
  
”Believe me, I’m anything but that. But it’s been a while since… you know…”  
”How long?”  
”Almost a year.”  
”What?”  
  
He smiles at my surprise as he slowly begins to unbutton my trousers.  
  
”Haven’t been to Tortuga in months and Nassau Inn’s a little short with mollies, as you know.”  
”I noticed that. A shame.”  
”Well… Ain’t missing any of them now, I’ll tell you that.”  
  
***  
  
Almost a year? How’s that even possible for a man like this? Oh, but I’m not fucking asking that now. He’s going down on me, leaving a wet trail from his tongue from my chest all the way down and hums with pleasure as he takes my cock in his mouth.  
  
Long ago or not, he’s not one to forget a skill. I hiss and moan from the hot, slippery feeling and the brushing tongue, grasping his short hair and I can feel how much he enjoys this. He’s not trying to make me come as quick as possible, nor does he keep his hands still. They’re caressing my hips, my ass and thighs, sliding up to my hands, tangling fingers and I’m about to go crazy for real from his treatment. I pull away with a little laughter, as I fondle with his hair.  
  
”Gonna end too soon if you keep doing this…”  
”That would be a shame, huh?”  
  
It would, yes. Being kissed, held and fondled like this ain't something I wish to end soon. The galley wall isn’t exactly a bed, but who the fuck cares? Billy, apparently, as he rise from his position and becomes a head taller than me again.  
  
”I want to lay down.”  
  
So do I. No one has come down here yet, but it’s only a matter of time and even thou most of them would only throw some teasing words and leave us ’til we’re done, I really don’t like the thought of it. Unless…  The idea is far too bold, actually, and I’m also one of the freshmen here, but this fucking galley wall is a bad choice for more than one reason. As I throw out my suggestion, I almost think Billy will laugh at me, but he just bites his lip for a second and let go of me.  
  
”Stay right here.”  
  
He quickly compose himself and approaches the stair. I’m waiting, wondering whether I should regret my decision, even though it’s a little too late for that now. A soft whistle from above has me moving and I see Billy’s face and hand – with a key.  
  
***  
  
”Get those off now, dammit!”  
  
He says it with a teasing smile, tugging my trousers. I can’t believe this. While we’re undressing and Billy impatiently getting rid of his boots, I almost laugh. He sees it and catches me in a hug from behind.  
  
”What’s so funny?”  
”I really didn’t think he’d admit to this. What if the Captain comes back?”  
”Silver will warn us in time, be sure of that. And perhaps we’d better not leave a _complete_ mess in here.”  
  
We strip quickly now and Billy takes the mattress from the the narrow bed and throws it on the floor. What the fuck will the captain say? The thought disappear as soon as I’m on my back, having Billy’s hands supporting my neck and stroking my hair as he kiss, no _tastes_ me again and again… He’s determined to cover every inch of me, to possess me, leave his mark, his scent on my skin. Touches and looks from a man in this way are something completely new to me, he does nothing but worship my body for a long time, making me all giddy and my cock leaking. When he take both of us in his hand, I let out a moan as I feel our cocks coming together, rubbed by his rough palm.  
  
The effect he has on me is fucking ridiculous. The sounds he makes me utter are those of a shameless whore, but I don’t care and I can see he likes me this way. It makes it easier for him to give in, so I do nothing to restrain myself. Suddenly he turns me the on the side, faced away, and slips down.  
  
”Fuck! You’re kidding me?!”  
”You don’t want me to…?”  
”Fucking _yes_ I want you to!”  
  
My reaction make us both laugh, but when he bury his tongue inside me I can only cry out, gasp and curse like a delirious person. There’s not a sensible word left inside me now. My whole body is twitching and quivering under his tongue and between the raids he let out pleased hums, moans and hardly audible words. _That’s it, let me hear ya… So good, you’re fucking gorgeous… So beautiful…_

He’s not just fucking me. Not just getting release. Have fucked and been fucked lot’s of times before, but not like this. Never anything even close to the way Billy Bones worships my body. He replaces his tongue with one and then two oily fingers, softly and slowly until I curse from anticipation, pushing myself against his hand and he leans back up, still inside me but close enough for me to kiss him. He adds a third finger and I hiss.  
  
”How long, Ben?”  
”More than a… _fuck_ … fucking year… Ah, that’s it… God, it’s so good…”  
”How do you want it?”  
”Back… on my back…”  
  
_So I can see you_ , I don’t add, but his smile tells me he heard it in my pantings and curses. I turn to my back and he places himself between my legs, making tickling curves with his tongue all over my chest, sucking at my nipples until I hiss and almost push him away. He smirks, looking at me with teasing eyes, a kind of gaze I never thought I’d see in Billy Bones dead serious face. He lifts my legs to come closer and slowly, almost too slowly, he’s entering me, a little bit at a time while I just pant and bite my lips in anticipation.  
  
”Billy…”  
”Yeah?”  
”It’s been so long… Don’t think I can… ah… restrain myself for very… _jesus_ … long…”  
”Are you all worked up then, gorgeous?”  
”Worked up and more…”  
  
He stops moving and kiss me again before he thrusts a little harder, a little deeper, soon reaching  that sweet spot and making me shiver and curse. It doesn’t take long before he has a speed that suits us both and I’m a fucking mess from pleasure every time his broad cock fills me up, with every thrust I’m just moaning and fucking _whimpering._ And all the time, he’s looking at me, not letting my body, my face, my eyes out of sight for a moment. I reach my release with a hiss and I try to keep my voice down as I’m spilling all over his hand and my stomach while waves of pleasure goes through my body.  Billy isn’t silent. When I’m spent, he thrusts harder and harder and I see his face getting dreamy but with eyes wide open. He fills me up, groaning heavily and it’s fucking obscene and beautiful to hear. And he’s looking at me… only me.  
  
***  
  
I shouldn’t feel like this. A good fuck is one thing, but laying in Billy Bones embrace isn’t comparable to any other experience I’ve had. Sure, I’ve had sex with men who liked kissing and closeness, but it’s still not even close to what I’ve felt this night. He’s left traces of himself on every inch of my flesh so how am I supposed to act now? 

For once, I’m the early riser. Only I don’t actually rise, of course. Why should I? My nose and mouth are buried in his chest, his right arm is my pillow and his left arm and leg my blanket. I can feel his calm breath, his hearts steady beating and I don’t want this to end. He touched me as if I was his dear lover last night, but men can easily change in daylight. If he does, it wouldn’t be my first experience with that behavior.  
  
My body’s aching and burning in several pleasant ways. I move, just enough to disturb his sleep without making him aware of me being awake. I keep my eyes closed, as if I only wriggled a little in my sleep and he wakes up. Can hear his breathing and position slightly change, but not as much as I anticipated – and feared. He moves the arm I use for a pillow, lifts my head very carefully and I’m prepared to feel the mattress. Instead I get a chest.  
  
He’s taking me in his arms, pulling me closer and turn to his back, making me lay on him as if he was a mattress. Pretending to still be asleep would be ridiculous now so I nuzzle my face to his chest and sigh a little.  
  
”Morning, gorgeous…”  
  
He places a soft kiss on my head. That and the whispered endearment make what little fear I had leave in an instance and I squeeze his shoulder.  
  
”Good morning, darling…”  
  
The sun’s hardly up yet, thank God. That means we have a chance to get out of here without too many noticing us. Billy seems to have the same thought for he suddenly hugs me hard, wriggles a little and gives me a long, deep kiss.  
  
”As much as I don’t want to get up, we really should leave while we still have a chance to slip away unnoticed.”  
  
Getting caught naked in the captain’s quarters ain't something any of us are longing for, so we get dressed, put what little mess we’ve made in order and open some windows to air out the scents from our bodies. I expect Billy to want us to leave separately, but when the cabin is free of any traces from our night together and we’ve shut the door behind us, he takes my hand and moves to the stair. No one’s up yet, at least not in the gallery. They’re all snoring as if they got paid for it.  
  
It’s a fine morning and the weather is promising. DeGroot, the old bear, is standing by the railing, talking to Silver. They both give us small, amused smiles as they see us. Billy still holds my hand and I have no intention to let go. Having the first mates affection ain't something to be ashamed of. But I’m just a quiet, half loony that still doesn’t have my sea legs back in full yet. Still a bit too skinny, too jumpy and insecure of my place here, but the first mate, a man I’m certainly not the only one to let my gaze linger on a little too long, took me to his bed. It’s very confusing to me.

”Billy?”  
”Yeah?”  
”Can I ask you something?”  
”Of course.”  
”This may sound stupid…”  
”You’re many things, Ben. Stupid ain't one of them. Just ask.”  
”Why me?”  
”Huh?”  
”Well… There’re others who want you, I’m hardly your only choice.”  
  
He let go of my hand and place himself behind me, holding his arms in a firm embrace around my body and kisses my neck.  
  
”Even if that was true, which it’s not, it wouldn’t matter. I want _you_. The whole damn pick of Nassau’s available men could line up in front of me and I’d still want you, Ben Gunn. You finally made me look, and I ain't stopping now. And I guess I’ve had enough of men who only want to fuck and never make fucking love. If you let me near, I’m not one to run off… Just sorry I was too fucking stupid to realise what you wanted. What _I_ wanted…”  
  
It’s like Silver and DeGroot can’t see us, as if they’re not here at all. Billy’s kissing me, slow and deep, having one hand on my lower back and one around my neck. If DeGroot says something, I can’t hear it, but Silver’s voice reaches me through the sound of waves and seagulls:  
  
”About fucking time…”  
  
  
**THE END**  



End file.
